I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
