Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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