Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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