If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
