I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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