Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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