Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
