i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
