so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize