I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
