The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
