Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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