Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
