Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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