apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
