Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
