So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
