ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
