you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
