This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
