I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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