when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Shame - the story of my life.
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