I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Enjoy the penises
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
