Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
