She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
