are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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