Sry I called you an 8
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
