my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We're too hungover to prance.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
