I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize