His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
