I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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