you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
