I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
