You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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