So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
