walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
