I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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