i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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