What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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