Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize