I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
