I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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