Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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