The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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