She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
