I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
