I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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