I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
