I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
