yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize