tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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