yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize