Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
