It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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