I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
