I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Your cock deserves a montage
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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