Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
