I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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