I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
organizing the empties. That sober.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
