I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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