You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
