We won't sleep together?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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