I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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