im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
