Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
